In that brief moment some things rushed through my head:

1. There aren’t many Mark Lefers. I’ve found only one other on the planet. Lefers is a fairly uncommon last name.

2. I am at my mom funeral. My mom was a strong Christian, who raised me in a Christian home. Who sent me to Christian schools, who brought me to church each week, and who was a Christ like example in my life.

3. I am in the church that I grew up in and surrounded by Christians. Actually it was packed, so there was perhaps 5 other Christians in arms reach of me.

I was faced with hiding my unbelief, which I think would have been perfectly fine. But something inside of me burst out and I responded, “Yeah, that’s me”. As soon as I said it I wish I could have taken it back. This was not the time or place to discuss my unbelief. So I said, “We can talk about this later”. I think she was fine with avoiding what would have been an awkward conversation.

I think the reason why I blurted out “Yeah, that’s me”, was because I was tired of lying about my unbelief. I had spent the last several days lying (or at least not being upfront) about my unbelief. I was great a justifying my dishonesty.

“Bringing up my unbelief would be disrespectful to the memory of my mom.”

“This is not the time or place to get into this.”

“They don’t really need to know.”

“It is much easier to just go with the party line.”

“I want to believe, so going through the motions isn’t really wrong.”

But the lack of sleep and the emotional stress caused me to give up pretending for a moment.

This incident has caused me to re-think being open about who I am. There are a ton of reasons to hide behind a pseudonym. However, when I started this blog I decided to use my real name. Some of the reasons were:

1. It forces me to be honest in what I write, because I will be held accountable for what I write.

2. I wanted to keep my doubt a secrete, however when I was looking for other Christians who doubted on the internet I couldn’t find that many. I don’t know if that is because there aren’t many doubters (which I don’t believe), or because other doubters also want to keep it secret. So I thought by putting my real identity out there, other doubters would take courage and talk to others about their doubts.

3. It was an attempt to be real. To not live a lie (I still do on Sunday mornings). I sometimes wish I could wear a shirt that would clearly say, “I don’t believe in Christianity, but I want to”. I wish I could wear a hat that said, “I’m a doubter”. However, I’m not that bold. So putting up a blog on the internet with my real name was the next best thing.

I still think it is good to use my real identity, however, I may have to get used to when my worlds collide. When my Christian sphere (friends, family, church, etc.) collides with my sphere of unbelief.

Her death has been tough on the family. Even though we knew that she wasn’t going to live much longer, it was so very difficult to see her slip away into a coma and take her last breath an hour later. It was the saddest moment of my life.

These last several days I have been thinking about death, heaven, and the desire for an afterlife. When I sat by her bedside and held her hand, I couldn’t help but hope that her pain would be short lived and that she would soon be in heaven and be free from all her pain. I wanted her to see her mom and the dad she never knew (he died in WWII before she was born). And when she passed away I wanted to one day hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her.

My desire for an afterlife was (and still is) so strong. I don’t want this short life to be all that there is. As I look at myself in the mirror and see the new wrinkles on my face, the growing number of gray hairs on my head, and the weakening of my eyesight; I know that someday I too will face death. But death is cruel. Death is not how it should be. However, wanting and desiring life after death doesn’t make it true. Hoping that my mom is in heaven and pain free is comforting, but maybe it is just wishful thinking.

My mom was one of the strongest Christians I know. She served others humbly, was a prayer warrior, and lived a Christ filled life. The many people that came to her wake and funeral to offer condolences often spoke of her faith. They would offer words of peace that she was with Jesus now, that she was in heaven, and that she was with the multitude of Christians that have gone before her. The words and hugs were comforting, but again the cynic inside would wonder if this was again just wishful thinking.

Another aspect I have been thinking about is how my mom faced her death with courage. She was aware of her body failing as she struggled for each breath. She was aware that she was slipping away, but she held her goal in sight. She did not waver. Her faith made her strong. It was a strength that I wish I might have one day. But again the cynic inside would wonder if it is all just wishful thinking.

It will be a tough couple more weeks and months ahead as I mourn the loss of my mom. The thoughts of death, heaven, the desire for an afterlife, and the hope that Christianity gives will probably consume me for awhile. Her death also put things into perspective. Life is short and then you die, so make the most of it. And when I say make the most of it, I don’t mean waste it by partying like there’s no tomorrow, I mean search for truth and whether there is an afterlife and how to get it, because death is a terrible thing.

This path towards unbelief has had many ups and downs.  On the good days, I appreciate that this struggle has forced me to research things I most likely would not have done willingly.  It has caused me to seriously reflect on my beliefs.  On the bad days, I am sick of this struggle and want to just give up on searching.  Luckily my bad days have so far been followed by a renewed strength to keep working on this.

Over these past 3 years my unbelief has affected relationships–some for the worse, but most for the better.  Many of my relationships have grown deeper and stronger.  I believe it is because we are now dealing with painful struggles and tough questions. Superficial niceties were replaced with deep questions and challenges, or a supportive embrace.

The bad part of relationships is that I often feel dishonest.  I still regularly attend church and interact with Christians, however, I struggle with knowing who I should tell of my unbelief.  I don’t really want to tell everyone my business, but I also don’t like putting on a show.   Attending church causes other mixed feelings.  On the one hand I feel like a black sheep, a stranger in a strange land, but on the other hand, it is one of the few things that is giving me strength to keep searching.

Another issue that is increasingly troubling me is how this will affect my kids.  On the one hand I am committed to raising my kids with Christian beliefs, but at some point, when they are mature enough to understand, I need to be honest with them too.  I am becoming anxious just thinking about all the implications.

Well here’s hoping for a better and more successful year in this struggle.