Christian Doubt» Emotion

Pain of promises

Mark Lefers — Fri, 27 May 2011 03:44:02 +0000

The promises of His presence only accentuates the pain of His absence.

To Know You by Nichole Nordeman

Mark Lefers — Sun, 15 May 2011 21:11:26 +0000

Another song to add to my song list dealing with doubt and uncertainty.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It’s well past midnight
And I’m awake with questions that won’t
Wait for daylight
Separating fact from my imaginary fiction
On this shelf of my conviction
I need to find a place
Where You and I come face to face

Thomas needed
Proof that You had really risen
Undefeated
When he placed his fingers
Where the nails once broke Your skin
Did his faith finally begin?
I’ve lied if I’ve denied
The common ground I’ve shared with him

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I’m just tryin’ to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

Nicodemus
Could not understand how You could
Truly free us
He struggled with the image
Of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too
How easily we come to You

No more campin’ on the porch of indecision
No more sleepin’ under stars of apathy
And it might be easier to dream
But dreamin’s not for me

I Will Not Be Moved by Natalie Grant

Mark Lefers — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 18:10:58 +0000

I have been moved.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They’re bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won’t let me go
And is the reason why…

[Chorus:]
I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It’s grace I’m standing on

[Chorus]

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I’ve worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

[Chorus]

Doubting Thomas by Nickel Creek

Mark Lefers — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 03:01:23 +0000

When doubt has me down, songs can be a great soothing balm. Some songs give comfort, some hope, some come alongside me in my hurt and pain. Here’s one that has been all of the above.

Click here to view the embedded video.

What will be left when I’ve drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I’ve met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me,

I’m a doubting thomas,
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe,
Oh me of little faith,

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared ’cause I’m a coward,
If there’s a master of death I’ll bet he’s holding his breath,
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power,
I’m a doubting thomas,
I can’t keep my promises,
‘Cause i don’t know what’s safe,
oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth,
When I’m scared I’ll find proof that its a lie,
Can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs,
That prove I’m not ready to die,

Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I’ve wasted,

I’m a doubting thomas,
I’ll take your promise,
Though I know nothin’s safe,
Oh me of little faith

Desperate by Fireflight

Mark Lefers — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 03:40:28 +0000

Some may find this song by Fireflight helpful. There are some gems in the lyrics (see below). I also like the music as it encompasses some of the anger and desperation I feel inside.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Seek and you will find, they say
but I’ve been looking everyday
for a way past this wall that’s in front of my face I’m on hands and knees searching for my faith

I know there’s so much at stake
but I don’t know if I can take one more pat on the back saying I’ll be okay Can’t you see my whole life is in disarray

You’ve got me desperate

I know You hear me,
Would You give me a sign
Reel me in before I’ve fallen in line
You’ve put me on a path I don’t understand I’m standing on a ledge waving my hands

You’ve got me desperate (do You see me?) Desperate (do You hear me?) Desperate (will You help me?) You’ve got me desperate

I know You’re my only hope
The only One who truly knows how it feels, what it’s like when it all starts to fall You’re the One I can trust who hears when I call

Some things I’ll never figure out
Until I let hope erase my doubt

You’ve got me desperate

I know You hear me,
Would You give me a sign
Reel me in before I’ve fallen in line
You’ve put me on a path I don’t understand, I’m standing on a ledge waving my hands

You’ve got me desperate (do You see me?) Desperate (do You hear me?) Desperate (will You help me?) You’ve got me desperate

Till sight needs not to prove

Mark Lefers — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 05:07:30 +0000

Here is a link to a fascinating story of George Romanes by Dr. Timothy McGrew. When I was first sent this story by Dr. McGrew I wept while reading it. I don’t know if it is the lack of sleep, the 80+ hour work weeks that had depleted my energy, or feeling like I have hit rock bottom, but the struggle between science and faith that Romanes dealt with hit so close to home. I felt so connected to Romanes in his struggles. Specifically with regards to naturalism. I keep hitting this wall of not being able to believe in the supernatural, especially when naturalistic explanations do so well. I just don’t know if I will be able to allow for a belief of something outside of nature when my mind has been wired to always think scientifically. I just don’t know what will get me past that. I hope that it will not take going through the valley of death to convince me, as it seemed to happen with Romanes. And at that time will I turn to faith out of fear of the unknown? Would it even be sincere?

My heart longs for something more

Mark Lefers — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 03:26:49 +0000

My mom had been battling cancer for about four years. This past summer the main chemo treatment stopped working. She tried some second generation chemos which didn’t work and eventually she decided to go into hospice. Her lasts weeks were tough as she was in a lot of pain, so we all had mixed emotions when she passed away on January 5, 2011.

Her death has been tough on the family. Even though we knew that she wasn’t going to live much longer, it was so very difficult to see her slip away into a coma and take her last breath an hour later. It was the saddest moment of my life.

These last several days I have been thinking about death, heaven, and the desire for an afterlife. When I sat by her bedside and held her hand, I couldn’t help but hope that her pain would be short lived and that she would soon be in heaven and be free from all her pain. I wanted her to see her mom and the dad she never knew (he died in WWII before she was born). And when she passed away I wanted to one day hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her.

My desire for an afterlife was (and still is) so strong. I don’t want this short life to be all that there is. As I look at myself in the mirror and see the new wrinkles on my face, the growing number of gray hairs on my head, and the weakening of my eyesight; I know that someday I too will face death. But death is cruel. Death is not how it should be. However, wanting and desiring life after death doesn’t make it true. Hoping that my mom is in heaven and pain free is comforting, but maybe it is just wishful thinking.

My mom was one of the strongest Christians I know. She served others humbly, was a prayer warrior, and lived a Christ filled life. The many people that came to her wake and funeral to offer condolences often spoke of her faith. They would offer words of peace that she was with Jesus now, that she was in heaven, and that she was with the multitude of Christians that have gone before her. The words and hugs were comforting, but again the cynic inside would wonder if this was again just wishful thinking.

Another aspect I have been thinking about is how my mom faced her death with courage. She was aware of her body failing as she struggled for each breath. She was aware that she was slipping away, but she held her goal in sight. She did not waver. Her faith made her strong. It was a strength that I wish I might have one day. But again the cynic inside would wonder if it is all just wishful thinking.

It will be a tough couple more weeks and months ahead as I mourn the loss of my mom. The thoughts of death, heaven, the desire for an afterlife, and the hope that Christianity gives will probably consume me for awhile. Her death also put things into perspective. Life is short and then you die, so make the most of it. And when I say make the most of it, I don’t mean waste it by partying like there’s no tomorrow, I mean search for truth and whether there is an afterlife and how to get it, because death is a terrible thing.

Doubting Christianity

Mark Lefers — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 06:11:11 +0000

It has now been about 3 years that I have seriously doubted Christianity, and a more accurate term maybe unbelief (I’m still not comfortable about specifically labeling myself). During this past year, my hope in regaining my Christian faith is slowly but steadily disappearing. I have delved into researching the resurrection, and left with the conclusion that there are just too many missing pieces to make belief in a supernatural entity possible. I then started delving into the arguments for the existence of God, and I’ve found these to be even less convincing. This next year I will be looking more into the details of the resurrection. Specifically the details of Jesus’ death and also look into the Shroud of Turin. I hope this isn’t risky and cause me further doubt. As always I’m open to suggestions.

This path towards unbelief has had many ups and downs. On the good days, I appreciate that this struggle has forced me to research things I most likely would not have done willingly. It has caused me to seriously reflect on my beliefs. On the bad days, I am sick of this struggle and want to just give up on searching. Luckily my bad days have so far been followed by a renewed strength to keep working on this.

Over these past 3 years my unbelief has affected relationships–some for the worse, but most for the better. Many of my relationships have grown deeper and stronger. I believe it is because we are now dealing with painful struggles and tough questions. Superficial niceties were replaced with deep questions and challenges, or a supportive embrace.

The bad part of relationships is that I often feel dishonest. I still regularly attend church and interact with Christians, however, I struggle with knowing who I should tell of my unbelief. I don’t really want to tell everyone my business, but I also don’t like putting on a show. Attending church causes other mixed feelings. On the one hand I feel like a black sheep, a stranger in a strange land, but on the other hand, it is one of the few things that is giving me strength to keep searching.

Another issue that is increasingly troubling me is how this will affect my kids. On the one hand I am committed to raising my kids with Christian beliefs, but at some point, when they are mature enough to understand, I need to be honest with them too. I am becoming anxious just thinking about all the implications.

Well here’s hoping for a better and more successful year in this struggle.

My Strongest Support

Mark Lefers — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 13:10:48 +0000

I understand that many are hesitant to discuss their doubts with others. I personally just recently told my parents about my doubt/unbelief, which I’ll write about later. Sometimes it is easier to talk to some stranger about these personal thoughts than someone that you grew up with, or live with. Relationships can become strained and made more complicated, or worse broken. Sometimes the fear of this change can cause people to not share with those who they are closest to. However, I think this can cause more harm than good.

The first person who I shared my doubts with, and the person who has been my strongest support, has been my wife. Even though she is a Christian and I am in unbelief, I don’t consider ourselves unequally yoked. We are still yoked together and are working together to find our way through this life. That is what a marriage is about, working together through the tough times.

It has been a blessing that we like different things. I get into science and theology and my wife is into managing the house (7 kids), finances, and most recently taxes. We have our own areas that we find interesting and devote our energies to. Sure, I sometimes get frustrated that she doesn’t struggle with the problem of evil or the lack of supernatural evidence. But these things just aren’t her “thing”, just like finance and taxes aren’t my “thing”.

This doesn’t mean I don’t tell her what I’m struggling with. It just means that instead of her challenging my beliefs and getting into theological debates, she gives me a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold me. She listens compassionately to my troubles and loves me in spite of my unbelief. So in practice, I have my theological discussions with others in my church or online, and at the end of the day I come home and find rest in the loving arms of my wife that gives me strength through this all.

Why I didn’t have an Easter post

Mark Lefers — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:35:06 +0000

Last year, Easter was pretty depressing. For those who aren’t struggling with doubt/unbelief it might be hard to understand. But take a walk in a doubter’s shoes. The faith one once took for granted is gone. The faith that made sense of the world is gone. The faith that gave hope to a better future is gone. The faith that gave you joy and freedom is gone. Now sadly walk into the most joyful of holy days. A day that every Christian is joyfully singing praise for the grace and faith they have. A day that is focused on Christ rising from the dead. A day full of promises of a future resurrection for those who believe. A day a Christian doubter can not ignore.

Easter becomes the magnifying glass that focuses the sunlight on my soul. It starts off as a warm uncomfortable sensation that makes me realize how different I am from my Christian friends and family. It turns into a burning desire to resolve this doubt I have; a desire to “just believe”. It then scorches me toward bitterness and depressing thoughts that I’m in this mess of unbelief with no hope in sight. And finally what’s left is a chard crusty shell of what I used to be.

So yeah, this Easter, I didn’t want to think about it too much. I didn’t want to dwell on my unbelief. I didn’t want to write down what I truly was feeling. I just wanted to ignore it for a day and eat some candy.

But. . . luckily for me I came down with an awful cold this past weekend, and other family members came down with the stomach flu. So the typical family get together was canceled which allowed me to have more “free time” in which to read. And the reading was good, and it helped clarify some questions I had and made some good points (which I’ll share when I actually finish the book). So this Easter was better than last, not good, but not bad.