My heart longs for something more

My mom had been battling cancer for about four years. This past summer the main chemo treatment stopped working. She tried some second generation chemos which didn’t work and eventually she decided to go into hospice. Her lasts weeks were tough as she was in a lot of pain, so we all had mixed emotions when she passed away on January 5, 2011.

Her death has been tough on the family. Even though we knew that she wasn’t going to live much longer, it was so very difficult to see her slip away into a coma and take her last breath an hour later. It was the saddest moment of my life.

These last several days I have been thinking about death, heaven, and the desire for an afterlife. When I sat by her bedside and held her hand, I couldn’t help but hope that her pain would be short lived and that she would soon be in heaven and be free from all her pain. I wanted her to see her mom and the dad she never knew (he died in WWII before she was born). And when she passed away I wanted to one day hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her.

My desire for an afterlife was (and still is) so strong. I don’t want this short life to be all that there is. As I look at myself in the mirror and see the new wrinkles on my face, the growing number of gray hairs on my head, and the weakening of my eyesight; I know that someday I too will face death. But death is cruel. Death is not how it should be. However, wanting and desiring life after death doesn’t make it true. Hoping that my mom is in heaven and pain free is comforting, but maybe it is just wishful thinking.

My mom was one of the strongest Christians I know. She served others humbly, was a prayer warrior, and lived a Christ filled life. The many people that came to her wake and funeral to offer condolences often spoke of her faith. They would offer words of peace that she was with Jesus now, that she was in heaven, and that she was with the multitude of Christians that have gone before her. The words and hugs were comforting, but again the cynic inside would wonder if this was again just wishful thinking.

Another aspect I have been thinking about is how my mom faced her death with courage. She was aware of her body failing as she struggled for each breath. She was aware that she was slipping away, but she held her goal in sight. She did not waver. Her faith made her strong. It was a strength that I wish I might have one day. But again the cynic inside would wonder if it is all just wishful thinking.

It will be a tough couple more weeks and months ahead as I mourn the loss of my mom. The thoughts of death, heaven, the desire for an afterlife, and the hope that Christianity gives will probably consume me for awhile. Her death also put things into perspective. Life is short and then you die, so make the most of it. And when I say make the most of it, I don’t mean waste it by partying like there’s no tomorrow, I mean search for truth and whether there is an afterlife and how to get it, because death is a terrible thing.