I wonder if I learn more from my kids then they learn from me. As I was contemplating an anger issue we’re having with one of our kids, I started wonder how similar I maybe acting. When one of my kids gets into a tantrum it is almost impossible to communicate with them, they shut down and are consumed by the rage. While they are having their temper tantrum, I’ve found it is best just to sit by and wait till they are done. Only after they have calmed down and are ready to listen can I talk to them.
Granted, I’m not physically jumping up and down and yelling, but the mental fits I have may not be all that different. I’m angry that I’m stuck in this doubt without any real progress in the past 2 years. I’m bitter that I have to give up fun activities to read a dry history/theology book. I’m jealous that others have faith so easily. I’m angry that I can’t just fix this on my own, and that I can’t just believe. I’m upset that I was born with a scientific and critical mind. I often ask myself, “Why me?” Some days I do feel like yelling into my pillow as my kids do.
Maybe my bitterness and anger has caused me to shut down so that I can no longer hear my Father in heaven. Maybe God is just waiting till I calm down. Maybe he’s sitting by my bed side waiting till I catch my breath and stop yelling. Maybe he’s waiting till I’m quiet and ready to listen so that he can talk to me.
Hi Mark,
I’ve read your blog a few times for a while now. I’ve also been going through a period of extended doubt about my Christian faith. I also have small children, and often reflect on the parallels between fatherhood and the supposed Heavenly Father.
Mark said >> Maybe he’s sitting by my bed side waiting till I catch my breath and stop yelling.
That’s a fair question. But of course there’s a huge difference. Your children can see their father. They know that you are there. They know that you are waiting on the side of the bed. And when you teach them and instruct them, they know it’s you speaking and they can hear your exact words. It’s a real and tangible relationship.
While I don’t know you at all, I assume you are a powerful and tangible force in their lives. They know and experience you in concrete and unmistakable ways. You are not hidden and mysterious, and easily confused with their own imagination. You do not toy with them, and not answer their simple requests.
I’m convinced that if I closely based my fatherhood on this supposed Heavenly Father character, that I would be justly committed, medicated, and kept far away from other people!
Mark said >> I’m jealous that others have faith so easily. I’m angry that I can’t just fix this on my own, and that I can’t just believe. I’m upset that I was born with a scientific and critical mind.
Ignorance is bliss!
I’ve felt much of the same anger and frustration that you describe.
I’ll add to it the frustration of other people not understanding the doubt or judging the doubter. I find that much more frustrating than God’s silence.
A distant and silent God mixed with demanding social peer pressure creates a very stressful situation for those experiencing doubt. I’ve also found it to be very lonely.
I wish you the best of luck.
- Jim
Mark,
I remember my period of doubt. I remember not really finding it helpful to be advised or consoled or even prayed for.
I found everyone patronizing, pitying or suspicious of me.
Somewhere over the years I threw up my hands and quit and just abandoned my doubts and my search for ‘proof.’ I just collapsed into hope and trust.
Was it easy? No! Did it happen in a lightning strike? No! Do I have answers to all my questions now? No! Did I stop asking questions? No!!
A few answers appear here and there but there will always be questions — the rub is even if you abandon hope, there will still be questions.
PS reading history books is my idea of FUN!!
I still have a social life while I do it too. But, then again, I’m an ubergeek.
Jeremiah,
It’s interesting the wide range of experiences of people in doubt. For me I’ve found people willing to help. Technically I haven’t found prayer helpful, because I’m still in doubt, but knowing that someone is concerned for me is encouraging. You said that you gave up and just collapsed into hope and trust; what does that look like. How do you just decide to trust in something you once doubted? What was the tipping point? How do you know what you now believe is true? Any help would be appreciated.
Jim,
Sorry you’re going through doubt too.
Jim said >> But of course there’s a huge difference. Your children can see their father.
Yeah, this is a huge hurdle for me. It is extremely tough to believe in something that you can’t see, feel, experience, or see evidence for.
Jim said >> I’ll add to it the frustration of other people not understanding the doubt or judging the doubter. . . I’ve also found it to be very lonely.
I completely understand. I haven’t found too many active doubters. I run across either Christian apologetic or atheists. I wonder if it is because living in constant doubt can be emotionally draining and it is easier to just “pick a side” and go on living. I hope you find some comfort knowing that you’re not alone.
Mark,
What is the color of love? Or, its smell? How do you know you know you found love?
You have to understand I am artist trapped in a scientist trained brained.
I remember once an Optics class the Junior year of University. The professor filled two huge chalk boards of equations. The whole class was in agony wondering where he was going with he derivation (as he was not telling us anything except the equations). Somewhere in the middle, I “just knew” where he was going.
At the end of the class, he announced he wasn’t done yet and that we’d have to continue next period.
I walked up to him and asked, “Are you going to prove X?”
He replied, “That’s pretty insightful of you. Yes, indeed, that’s what I’m going to prove.” Got an ‘A’ that semester too
I struggle to give you a better description of how I fell into hope.
Often the harder we strain for the goal, the further it gets. Its only by _release_ that we achieve it.
Matthew
Matthew and/or Jeremiah,
I’m not sure I understood your analogy. Didn’t you “know” when you finally figured it out and in doing so it made since to you. The other people in the class were in agony because they didn’t understand, and it didn’t make since to them. So, like your analogy, I’m sitting in the class in agony trying to figure it out with the hope I’ll figure it out and get an ‘A’.